I feel like I fell apart.

I couldn’t cope with anything, my head too full, clouded, my heart heavy, body tired – and yet I felt I was doing okay.
In truth I wasn’t being truthful to myself. I was falling apart slowly but couldn’t see it. Asking for help is the hardest and the best thing I’ve every done. Sometimes we have to have a mayor break down to find our real selves.

In August I did just that.

Things were put in place and since then I’ve been concentrating more on me, on what brings me peace and joy. Its been hugely rewarding and not to sound cliche – I feel as if I’m being my authentic self more.

In some ways I’ve been harder on myself – making sure I sleep better, have healthier routines, eat properly, don’t overexercise, take less risks, REST!
In being harder on myself I’ve brought myself back…from somewhere dark and bleak, to somewhere a lot more comfortable and peaceful.
I’m in no way better or cured, as my therapist put it… “this is a marathon not a sprint” and now and again I’ll hit the wall, hard.

The last few months I haven’t felt in a position to share my life, even my running. Part of me still isn’t ready, but I know I’m not alone and maybe someone else is reading this wanting dearly to cry for help…all I can say is do it, you’ve nothing to lose and so so much to gain.

You’re also not alone, so many of us out there are struggling – this year has been awful and hard. But I also need to remind myself that in amongst that there has been good times…extra time at home feeling fit and well, time with my fiance I wouldn’t usually get, time to walk the hills around us and watch the seasons change. I made marmalade for the first time, used nettles to make one of the best tasting cakes I’ve ever had, painted pictures, crafted, and had an immaculate garden that we enjoyed throughout spring and summer.

I’ve kept on running – I worried that antidepressants would effect that side of life…I’ve always said no to them before, yet sit here weeks into taking them wishing I’d said yes earlier – as with all other mental health issues there’s stigma around antidepressants. I was at the point I’d tried everything else and had nothing to loose. The first few weeks were awful but life now – thanks to them, therapy and living better…well it feels much more comfortable and less complicated. Running became easier in ways…no longer sorting out to do lists in my head as I went, having an anxious racing mind, getting angry as I got tired, feeling overwhelmed, my heart racing too fast or my breathing uncontrollable. I feel more tuned into the world when I run now. It meant that taking on the challenge to run the equivalent distance of Offas Dyke in November felt liberating…I knew it would be hardwork but achievable. It wasn’t a huge risk to my body and so my GP and therapist both said do it. I ran 285K in a month for no-one other than myself and it’s one of my proudest achievements. This month I’ve joined others in a Pole to Pole challenge – we’ve done brilliantly and had great fun clocking up the miles. Although, I have dropped my mileage for Winter to take things easier, give myself time to rest and strengthen my body…iron out the niggles ready for 2021.

The year is slowly coming to an end and our lives still up in the air. Could there be worse to come…who knows, is a better new normal around the corner…it would be lovely. So many are seeing the shift to 2021 as the magical formula to escape all that’s going on. I’ll be taking things day by day, but that feeling of hope is definitely something to cling to…it will help if there are more hurdles along the way.

I don’t yet know where the New Year will see my blog go. I have no New Years resolutions…no New Year new me aims – I just need to continue doing what I am, taking care of all of me, remembering that self care isn’t selfish and that I am the mistress of my own destiny.

An early Happy New Year and belated Merry Christmas to you all x

2 thoughts on “December – Hello again

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